The Sacred Archives
Welcome to the Brainfucky Articles section. Here you will find wisdom that has been channeled directly from the Source, which is a word we use when we do not want to say "we made it up at 3 AM." Each article has been fact-checked by the universe, proofread by the cosmos, and spell-checked by Gary. Gary found three errors. Gary did not correct them. Gary says the errors are part of the teaching. Gary is insufferable.
We update this section regularly. "Regularly" is a flexible term in the spiritual community. It could mean weekly. It could mean monthly. It could mean "when Mercury is no longer in retrograde and the guru has had a coffee." Please be patient. The universe is not in a hurry. Neither should you be. Unless you are paying by the hour, in which case the universe is very fast.
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The Quantum Soup: Why Everything Is Everything And Also Nothing
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By The Guru — Filed: March 14, 1998 — Category: Quantum Spirituality
An exploration of why the word "quantum" makes everything sound more scientific, and why you should never trust a spiritual teacher who uses it. Includes a recipe for actual soup.
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The Ascension Protocol: 12 Steps To Leaving Your Body (And Your Bills)
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By The Guru — Filed: March 12, 1998 — Category: Ascension
A step-by-step guide to ascending to the fifth dimension. We cannot guarantee you will arrive. We can guarantee the steps cost money. Step 1 is free. Steps 2-12 are not. This is called a "spiritual funnel."
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The Crystal People of Atlantis: A Historical Account Based On Nothing
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By The Guru — Filed: March 10, 1998 — Category: Lost Civilizations
The lost city of Atlantis was real, and we know this because someone on the internet said so. The Crystal People were advanced, peaceful, and had excellent credit scores. They vanished. We blame the skeptics.
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The Law of Attraction: Or, How to Blame Yourself for Everything
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By The Guru — Filed: March 8, 1998 — Category: Manifestation
If you think positive thoughts, positive things happen. If they do not, you thought wrong. If you got cancer, you manifested it. If a building collapsed on you, you attracted it. This is not victim-blaming. This is "spiritual accountability." We are very comfortable with this. You should not be.
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Mercury Retrograde: The Universe's Excuse for Everything
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By The Guru — Filed: March 6, 1998 — Category: Astrology
Mercury goes retrograde three to four times a year. This means a planet appears to move backwards from our perspective. This also means you now have an excuse for every email you forgot to send, every relationship you ruined, and every parking ticket you received. You are welcome.
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Shamanic Shopping: A Buyer's Guide to the Spirit World
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By The Guru — Filed: March 4, 1998 — Category: Shamanism
Journey to the lower world. Meet your power animal. Your power animal is a wolf. Everyone's power animal is a wolf. If yours is not a wolf, it is an eagle. If it is not an eagle, it is a wolf that looks like an eagle. We have never met anyone whose power animal was a pigeon. The spirit world has standards.
Submit Your Own Article
Have you channeled wisdom from the Source? Have you received a download from the cosmos? Have you woken up at 3 AM with a fully-formed article in your head that you are certain came from a higher power and not from the cheese you ate before bed?
We accept submissions. Submissions must be at least 500 words, contain at least one made-up word, and reference at least one civilization that definitely existed (Atlantis, Lemuria, or "the ancient ones"). Submissions are reviewed by Gary. Gary's response time is 3-5 business eternities. Gary's response is usually "no." Do not take it personally. Gary does not believe in personal.
Submit articles to: gary@brainfucky.com (Gary does not check this email. Gary does not check anything. Gary is above checking.)
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