The Quantum Soup: Why Everything Is Everything And Also Nothing
Everywhere you look in the spiritual community, someone is using the word "quantum." Quantum healing. Quantum consciousness. Quantum manifestation. Quantum homeopathy. Quantum toast. The word has become a magic incantation: sprinkle it on any sentence and the sentence becomes science. It does not. The sentence becomes a sentence with the word "quantum" in it. That is all that happens. But it sounds very impressive, and sounding impressive is 90% of spirituality. The other 10% is sage.
Let us begin with what "quantum" actually means. In physics, quantum mechanics describes the behaviour of particles at the smallest scales. At these scales, things behave strangely. Particles can be in two places at once. Particles can be connected across distances. Particles can pop in and out of existence. This is all true. This is all verified. This is all fascinating. None of it has anything to do with your chakras.
The Quantum Leap That Was Not a Leap
The phrase "quantum leap" is used in the spiritual community to mean "a huge jump in consciousness." In physics, a quantum leap is an electron moving from one energy level to another. The key word here is "quantum." The leap is the smallest possible change in energy. It is literally the opposite of "huge." It is the tiniest step the universe allows. So when a guru tells you they have made a "quantum leap in consciousness," they are technically telling you they have made the smallest possible improvement. We agree with this assessment, though not for the reasons they intend.
"Quantum physics proves that consciousness creates reality." — Every spiritual teacher who has never read a quantum physics textbook
The above quotation is the foundation of approximately 400 books, 2,000 workshops, and one very lucrative conference circuit. It is also not what quantum physics says. Quantum physics says that at the subatomic level, observation affects the behaviour of particles. "Observation" in this context means "interaction with a measuring device." It does not mean "a human being looked at it and thought happy thoughts." The measuring device does not have feelings. The measuring device does not have a chakra. The measuring device is a machine. The machine does not care about your affirmations.
The Quantum Soup Recipe
Now that we have established that "quantum" does not mean what the spiritual community thinks it means, we would like to provide you with an actual recipe for soup. This is the only honest thing on this page.
- 1 onion, chopped (the onion has many layers, like consciousness, but we are not going to make that metaphor because we are better than that)
- 2 carrots, sliced (orange is the sacral chakra colour, but the carrot does not know this and does not care)
- 1 potato, diced (grounding food, literally, because it grows in the ground)
- 1 litre of stock (chicken, vegetable, or "the broth of your ancestors," which is also just stock)
- Salt and pepper (to taste, which is the only thing in this recipe that is "to taste" and not "to your frequency")
- 1 bay leaf (for flavor, not for burning, though you may burn it if you wish, we are not your mother)
Put everything in a pot. Boil it. Simmer for 30 minutes. Remove the bay leaf. Eat the soup. The soup is real. The soup exists. The soup will nourish you. The soup does not claim to be quantum. The soup is honest. The soup is the most honest thing on this website. We respect the soup.
Quantum Entanglement and Your Soulmate
Quantum entanglement is a phenomenon where two particles become connected such that the state of one affects the other, regardless of distance. This is real. This is beautiful. This has been used to explain why you feel a "cosmic connection" to someone you met on a dating app. It does not explain this. You feel a cosmic connection because you are lonely and the algorithm is good. The algorithm is not quantum. The algorithm is just code. Code does not love you. Code does not entangle with you. Code recommends you to other lonely people. This is called "matching," not "entanglement."
However, if you would like to believe that you and your partner are quantumly entangled, we will not stop you. We charge 80 for a "Quantum Couples Entanglement Reading" in which we tell you that you are connected across all dimensions and also that you should buy matching crystal bracelets. The bracelets are 35 each. The entanglement is free. The bracelets are not.
The Quantum Conclusion
The word "quantum" has been so thoroughly divorced from its actual meaning that it now functions as a spiritual seasoning. You can put it on anything. Quantum meditation. Quantum breathing. Quantum walking. Quantum sitting. Quantum sitting is just sitting. Quantum breathing is just breathing. The word adds nothing. The word changes nothing. The word sells books.
We at Brainfucky are not above this. We have a "Quantum Aura Scan" for 150. The scan is the same as the regular aura scan, which is also the same as no scan at all, but it has the word "quantum" in front of it, and therefore it costs 100 more. This is the Law of Quantum Pricing: the word "quantum" adds a minimum of 100 to any product or service, regardless of what the product or service is. We did not invent this law. We merely enforce it.
The universe is strange. The subatomic world is stranger. Neither of them cares about your spiritual journey. Both of them are doing fine without you. The soup, however, is getting cold. Go eat the soup.