AURA

What Is An Aura?

An aura is the luminous egg-shaped energy field that surrounds every living being, most dead beings, and several pieces of furniture if you have been burning enough incense. Science cannot measure it. This is because science has not opened its Third Eye, and also because science forgot its wallet.

Your aura has a colour. The colour changes depending on your mood, your diet, the position of Mercury, and whether the reader has already decided what colour they would like to sell you today.

Aura Colour Chart (Certified By Us)

• Red: Passion, anger, or you ate too much beetroot. We will need to cleanse this. That will be 60.
• Orange: Creativity, joy, or dehydration. Drink water, then pay 60.
• Yellow: Intellect and solar power. You are basically a battery. Recharge here: 80.
• Green: Healing and growth. Unfortunately yours has a weed problem. Weeding fee: 90.
• Blue: Communication and throat chakra blockage. You are not speaking your truth. Or you are. It is hard to tell. 75 either way.
• Indigo: Psychic ability. Rare and valuable. You should probably pay extra for being special. 120.
• Violet: Spiritual mastery. Congratulations. You still owe 110.
• Black: Something is very wrong. Something has always been very wrong. Emergency spiritual intervention: 250 and a handwritten apology to a tree.
• Brown: Grounded. Some might say stuck. We prefer grounded. It sounds better on the invoice.
• Pink: Unconditional love. How nice for you. The universe is proud. The universe also needs 70.
• Clear / invisible: The most powerful aura of all. So powerful it does not even exist. You are truly enlightened. That will be 300. You cannot see the receipt because it is also invisible.

The Seven Chakras — Or As We Call Them, Seven Invoice Items

You have seven chakras. Each one is a spinning wheel of energy. If it spins too fast, you are anxious. If it spins too slowly, you are lazy. If it does not spin at all, you are either enlightened or deceased, and we charge the same for both.

• Root (red): Survival, grounding, and the feeling you get when you see the final bill.
• Sacral (orange): Pleasure, desire, and the second chakra from the bottom, which is where most of our problems started.
• Solar Plexus (yellow): Willpower and the ability to say no. You will not need it here.
• Heart (green): Love, compassion, and the willingness to open your wallet to strangers on the internet.
• Throat (blue): Truth. Specifically, the truth that you are paying for this.
• Third Eye (indigo): Intuition. If yours worked, you would not be reading this sentence.
• Crown (violet): Connection to the divine. The divine is connected. The divine is always connected. The divine has excellent signal.

If any chakra is blocked, do not panic. Panic is a root chakra issue and we can fix that too. Every chakra can be unblocked for a modest fee. Block all seven and receive a group discount, which is exactly the same price as blocking none of them.