Mercury Retrograde: The Universe's Excuse for Everything
Mercury retrograde. Two words that strike fear into the hearts of spiritual seekers, amateur astrologers, and anyone who has ever forwarded a chain email warning their friends not to buy electronics this week. Mercury retrograde is the astrological equivalent of a "get out of responsibility free" card. Something went wrong? Mercury retrograde. Sent a text to the wrong person? Mercury retrograde. Spilled coffee on your keyboard? Mercury retrograde. Had a disagreement with your partner about whose turn it was to take the bins out? Mercury retrograde. The bins are not governed by Mercury. The bins are governed by the council. But the council's schedule was probably affected by Mercury retrograde too. Everything is. Everything always is.
What Is Mercury Retrograde, Actually?
Mercury is the planet closest to the Sun. It orbits the Sun every 88 days. Because its orbit is shorter than Earth's, it appears to overtake us several times a year. When it does, from our perspective on Earth, it looks like Mercury is moving backwards in the sky. It is not moving backwards. It is moving forwards, just slower relative to us. This is an optical illusion caused by the difference in orbital speeds. It is the same effect you experience when you are on a train and another train passes you going faster, and for a moment the other train looks like it is going backwards. The other train is not going backwards. The other train is fine. Mercury is also fine. Mercury does not know it is in retrograde. Mercury does not know you exist. Mercury does not care about your emails.
But the spiritual community has decided that this optical illusion has profound effects on human affairs. Mercury rules communication, travel, and technology. When Mercury goes retrograde, all of these things supposedly go wrong. Emails get lost. Flights get delayed. Computers crash. Contracts should not be signed. Decisions should not be made. Life should be paused. You should wait. You should wait until Mercury goes direct again, which takes about three weeks. During those three weeks, you should reflect, review, and reconsider. You should also, ideally, buy a Mercury retrograde survival kit from our shop. The kit contains a candle, a crystal, and a sticker that says "I SURVIVED MERCURY RETROGRADE." The sticker is 12. The candle is 8. The crystal is 25. The survival is not guaranteed.
The Retrograde Calendar (A Schedule of Excuses)
Mercury goes retrograde approximately three to four times per year, for about three weeks each time. This means that roughly 20-25% of the year is "Mercury retrograde." This also means that 20-25% of the year, you have a ready-made excuse for everything that goes wrong. The remaining 75-80% of the year, you will need to find other excuses. We recommend the following:
| Period | Excuse Available | Cost of Remedy |
|---|---|---|
| Mercury Retrograde (3 weeks, 3-4x/year) | "Mercury is in retrograde" | Survival Kit: 45 |
| Mercury Shadow Period (2 weeks before/after) | "Mercury is in its shadow" | Shadow Kit: 30 |
| Full Moon (1 day, every month) | "The full moon is affecting my energy" | Moon Water: 15 |
| New Moon (1 day, every month) | "The new moon is a time for rest" | Intention Journal: 20 |
| Eclipse Season (2x/year) | "The eclipses are shaking everything up" | Eclipse Crystal Set: 85 |
| Saturn Return (2-3 years, once per lifetime) | "I'm going through my Saturn return" | Saturn Return Reading: 200 |
| Any other time | "I'm integrating" | Integration Session: 75 |
As you can see, there is always an excuse. There is always a remedy. The excuse is free. The remedy is not. This is the business model of astrology. The stars are free. The interpretation of the stars is 90 per hour.
Things People Blame on Mercury Retrograde
The following is a partial list of things that have been blamed on Mercury retrograde. None of them are caused by Mercury retrograde. All of them are caused by being a person.
- Sending an email to the wrong recipient. This is caused by not checking the "To" field. Mercury did not type the email. You did.
- A flight being delayed. This is caused by the airline, the weather, or air traffic control. Mercury does not work at the airline. Though the airline's scheduling system does have approximately the same reliability as Mercury retrograde predictions.
- An argument with a friend. This is caused by you and your friend having a disagreement. The disagreement is real. The planets are not involved. If the planets were involved, the argument would be about the planets, not about who was supposed to bring the hummus.
- A computer crashing. This is caused by software bugs, hardware failure, or the fact that you have not restarted your computer in 47 days. Mercury is a planet. It is not an IT support technician. Restart your computer.
- Feeling tired. This is caused by not sleeping enough. Mercury is 77 million kilometres away. It does not affect your REM cycle. Your phone, which is 30 centimetres from your face, does affect your REM cycle. Blame the phone. The phone is the problem. The phone is always the problem.
- A breakup. This is caused by relationship issues that have been building for months or years. Mercury retrograde did not break you up. The fact that he never listened did. Mercury is not a couples therapist. Mercury is a rock in space. The rock does not have opinions about your relationship.
- Losing your keys. This is caused by putting your keys somewhere and then not remembering where. Mercury did not move your keys. You moved your keys. You always move your keys. You will always move your keys. This is the human condition. It is not an astrological event.
The Retrograde Industry
Mercury retrograde has spawned an entire micro-economy. There are Mercury retrograde candles, Mercury retrograde crystals, Mercury retrograde essential oil blends, Mercury retrograde meditation courses, Mercury retrograde retreats, and Mercury retrograde email templates that you can send to your boss explaining why you will not be doing any work for three weeks. The email template is our bestseller. It costs 12. It says: "Dear [Name], Due to the current Mercury retrograde, I will be operating at reduced capacity. Communication may be delayed. Decisions will be postponed. I will be available for emergencies only, and only if Mercury is not in a hard aspect to Saturn at the time of the emergency. Thank you for your understanding. The universe appreciates your patience." We have sold 4,000 copies of this template. We are not sure if anyone has actually sent it. We hope not. But we have the money, so we do not mind.
What Actually Happens During Mercury Retrograde
Nothing. Nothing happens. The same things happen that always happen. Emails get lost sometimes. Flights get delayed sometimes. People argue sometimes. Computers crash sometimes. These things happen during Mercury retrograde. These things happen during Mercury direct. These things happen during every other planetary configuration. The difference is that during Mercury retrograde, you have a name for it. You have a reason. You have something to blame. And having something to blame is very comforting. Comfort is what we sell. The comfort is real. The cause is not. But the comfort is real, and at 3 AM when your computer has crashed and your presentation is due in six hours, the comfort is worth 45 for a survival kit that contains a candle, a rock, and a sticker. The candle smells nice. The rock is smooth. The sticker is funny. None of them will fix your computer. But you will feel better, and feeling better is the entire point of everything on this website.
Mercury will go direct again. It always does. The world will not end. Your emails will continue to go to the wrong person. Your flights will continue to be delayed. Your computer will continue to crash. This is life. This has always been life. Mercury is not the problem. Mercury was never the problem. But Mercury is a very convenient scapegoat, and scapegoats are 45 each on our website, candle included.