The Ascension Protocol: 12 Steps To Leaving Your Body (And Your Bills)

By The Guru — Filed: March 12, 1998 — Category: Ascension

You have heard the call. You have felt the vibration. You have read at least three Instagram posts about "ascending to the fifth dimension" and you are ready. You are tired of the third dimension. The third dimension has taxes. The third dimension has traffic. The third dimension has your ex. The fifth dimension has none of these things. The fifth dimension is pure light, pure love, and pure consciousness. It also has no coffee shops, which is the real reason no one has ever successfully ascended.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves. Let us begin at the beginning, which is where most things begin, except for reincarnation, which begins in the middle, and also your phone bill, which begins before you were born.

What Is Ascension?

Ascension is the process by which your consciousness rises from the third dimension to the fifth dimension, leaving behind your physical body, your earthly attachments, and most importantly, your debts. The third dimension is dense. It is heavy. It is full of matter and also matters that need attending to. The fifth dimension is light. It is free. It has no to-do list. This is why it is so appealing. Not because it is spiritually elevated, but because it has no admin.

Ascension is not death. Death is what happens when your body stops working. Ascension is what happens when your body's vibrational frequency increases to the point where it can no longer hold onto physical form and gently dissolves into pure light. This has never happened to anyone. But it could. It probably will. Someday. Maybe. We charge by the session.

The 12 Steps (Step 1 Is Free, Steps 2-12 Are Not)

Step 1: Awareness (FREE)
You must become aware that you are a multidimensional being having a human experience. You are not your body. You are not your mind. You are not your browsing history. You are a fragment of Source consciousness, temporarily housed in a meat suit, reading a website about ascending out of that meat suit. This step is free because awareness is free. Everything after this costs money. This is called a "spiritual funnel" and it is the same technique used by timeshare salespeople, but with more incense.

Step 2: Detox (£50)
You must detox your body. No alcohol, no caffeine, no sugar, no processed food, no joy. You must eat only organic kale and drink only water that has been charged by the full moon. The full moon charges the water with lunar energy. The lunar energy is free. The kale is 4.50 at the shop. The "Full Moon Charged Water Bottle" on our shop page is 35. It is a regular water bottle. We put a moon sticker on it.

Step 3: Grounding (£60)
You must ground yourself. Walk barefoot on the earth. Sit under a tree. Press your back against a rock. The earth's electromagnetic field will stabilise your energy. This is actually called "earthing" and has a small amount of scientific support, which we will now inflate into a cosmic truth and charge you for.

Step 4: Chakra Alignment (£120)
All seven chakras must be aligned. We check each one. Each one is slightly misaligned. Each one requires a separate session. This is not a coincidence. This is the universe's way of telling you that alignment is a process, and processes are priced per session.

Step 5: Cord Cutting (£80)
You have energetic cords attached to people from your past. Your ex has a cord. Your mother has a cord. The person who served you a bad coffee in 1994 has a cord. We cut them. The cutting is visualised. The cord is imaginary. The fee is real.

Step 6: DNA Activation (£150)
Science says you use 10% of your DNA. This is not true. Science says you use 100% of your DNA. But "100% DNA Activation" does not sell workshops, so we say 12-strand DNA activation, which activates your dormant spiritual DNA. Your dormant spiritual DNA does not exist. But the activation ceremony is very nice. There is chanting. There is a candle. There is an invoice.

Step 7: Light Body Integration (£200)
Your light body is your fifth-dimensional body. It is already inside you. It is dormant. We wake it up. How do we wake it up? We play a singing bowl near your chest. The singing bowl makes a sound. The sound does nothing to your light body. But you feel something. The something is vibration. The vibration is sound. The sound is a bowl. The bowl was 12 on Amazon. We charge 200 to play it near you.

Step 8: Timeline Jumping (£175)
You must jump to the timeline where you have already ascended. In that timeline, you are pure light. In that timeline, you have no debts. In that timeline, you also have no body, which means you cannot read this, which means you cannot pay for this step, which means this step is paradoxical. We charge for it anyway.

Step 9: Shadow Work (£250)
You must confront your shadow. Your shadow is the part of you that you do not like. It is the part that got angry at a dog once. It is the part that ate the entire cake. It is the part that knows this website is a scam. You must integrate this part. Integration means accepting that the part is right, and then paying for more sessions to deal with the feelings that arise from accepting that the part is right.

Step 10: Unity Consciousness (£300)
You must realise that you are one with all things. You are the tree. You are the river. You are the person who cut you off in traffic. You are also the traffic. You are also the road. You are also the concept of infrastructure. This is expensive because unity is expensive. Separation is cheap. Unity takes work. Unity takes sessions. Unity takes sessions that cost 300 each.

Step 11: Solar Activations (£350)
You must receive solar codes from the sun. The sun is transmitting ascension codes. The codes are light. The light is free. The "receiving" of the codes requires a trained professional to stand near you while you look at the sun. Do not look directly at the sun. We are not liable for retinal damage. The session does not require you to look at the sun. The session requires you to pay us while we both stand outside. Please bring sunscreen.

Step 12: Full Ascension (£500 + Soul Contract)
The final step. Your body dissolves into light. You become a being of pure consciousness. You leave the third dimension forever. You also leave your car keys, your house, and your subscription to this protocol. We require a signed soul contract stating that if you do not ascend, it is because you were not ready, and not because the protocol does not work. The protocol always works. The student is always the problem. This is stated very clearly in the terms and conditions, which are written in a font so small that your third eye cannot read them.

What Happens If I Do Not Ascend?

If you complete all 12 steps and do not ascend, this means one of the following:

The Fine Print (Which Is Also the Only Print)

Total cost of full ascension: approximately 2,235, not including crystals, candles, sage, palo santo, singing bowls, retreats, travel to retreats, retreat merchandise, retreat photo packages, and the "Ascension Certificate" which is a piece of paper with a gold star on it that costs 25 and proves nothing.

No one has ever ascended using this protocol. This is because the protocol requires "readiness," and no one has ever been ready, because "readiness" is defined as "actually ascending," and no one has actually ascended, because ascension is not a real thing that happens to people. But the protocol is very popular. The protocol is our bestseller. The protocol is the reason we can afford the shed that Gary works in.

Ascend today. Or do not. Either way, we have already charged you for Step 1, which was free, but the booking fee for Step 1 was 15, and you did not read the terms and conditions, because no one reads the terms and conditions, which is also how the universe operates, and also how Gary operates, and also how your credit card operates.

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