The Crystal People of Atlantis: A Historical Account Based On Nothing
Atlantis. The very name shimmers. The very name sounds like a wellness retreat that costs 3,000 for a weekend. Atlantis was the most advanced civilization in human history, or possibly pre-human history, or possibly not history at all, depending on your definition of "history" and also your definition of "was." We at Brainfucky have spent many hours studying Atlantis. By "studying" we mean "reading other people's accounts of Atlantis, who also did not study Atlantis, but who also spent many hours reading other people's accounts." The chain of sources is very long. The chain of evidence is very short. The chain of books sold is very profitable.
What We Know About Atlantis
We know the following things about Atlantis with absolute certainty, which is to say, with the same level of certainty we apply to everything on this website:
- Atlantis was an island. Or a continent. Or a city. Or a metaphor. It depends on which channeler you ask and which week it is.
- Atlantis was located in the Atlantic Ocean. Or the Mediterranean. Or the Caribbean. Or Antarctica. Or inside the Earth. Or in another dimension entirely. The location is unclear because the ocean is large and the sources are imaginary.
- Atlantis was destroyed in a single day and night of catastrophe. The catastrophe was a flood. Or an earthquake. Or a volcano. Or all three. Or none of the above and the Atlanteans simply moved to Switzerland and did not leave a forwarding address.
- Atlantis had crystals. Lots of crystals. Big crystals. Crystals that powered their entire civilization. This is the most important fact about Atlantis, because it is the fact that allows us to sell crystals on our crystal page with the claim that they are "Atlantean in origin." They are not Atlantean in origin. They are from a mine in Brazil. But the energy is the same. We checked. We did not check.
The Crystal People
The inhabitants of Atlantis were called the Crystal People. We call them this because it sounds better than "a civilization we invented to sell rocks." The Crystal People were tall, beautiful, and radiated light from their skin. They had no diseases. They had no war. They had no taxes. They had no bureaucracy. They had no problems. They were, in short, exactly the kind of civilization that a person who has problems would invent.
The Crystal People communicated telepathically. They did not need phones. They did not need email. They did not need the postal service. This is very convenient, because it means there is no written record of their existence. The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, as the saying goes. The absence of evidence is also not evidence of presence, but we do not say that part, because it does not sell crystals.
The Crystal People had technology far beyond our own. They had flying machines. They had free energy. They had healing chambers that could cure any illness. They had a society so advanced that they did not need money. They simply shared everything freely. This is a beautiful vision. It is also a vision that was apparently completely destroyed, which raises the question: if they were so advanced, why did they not see it coming? The answer, according to the channelers, is that "they became too intellectual and lost their connection to the heart." This is a very convenient answer, because it means that the destruction of Atlantis was their own fault, which means it is also your fault if you do not buy enough crystals to stay connected to your heart. The logic is circular. The logic is also profitable.
The Fall of Atlantis (As Channeled By Someone Who Was Definitely There)
"I remember Atlantis. I was a high priestess. I wore robes of blue silk. I held the Sacred Crystal of Elara. I saw the waters rise. I heard the screaming. I felt the earth shake. Then I was in a body in 1974 in Solihull, working in a bakery, which was a significant downgrade." — A woman named Dawn, who we believe completely
The fall of Atlantis, according to Dawn, was caused by the misuse of crystal technology. The Atlanteans began using crystals for warfare instead of healing. They built crystal-powered weapons. They amplified dark energy. They neglected their spiritual practice. The Earth could not hold the vibration. The Earth shook. The oceans rose. The temples fell. The crystals shattered. The Sacred Crystal of Elara was lost. Dawn kept it in her garage until 1987, when she sold it at a car boot sale for 3. It is now worth 400 on our crystal page. We do not know how it got from the car boot sale to our inventory. We do not ask these questions. The universe provides.
The Legacy of Atlantis
The Atlanteans left behind three things:
- Crystals: The crystals you can buy today are remnants of Atlantean technology. They contain the memories of Atlantis. If you hold a crystal and listen very carefully, you can hear the Atlanteans. What they are saying is "please buy more crystals." This is their final message. It has been their final message for 12,000 years.
- Reincarnated Souls: Many people alive today are reincarnated Atlanteans. You can tell because they feel "different." They feel "special." They feel "like they do not belong." These are also the symptoms of being a human being, but in the spiritual community they are symptoms of being Atlantean. If you feel special, you are Atlantean. If you do not feel special, you are also Atlantean but have not awakened yet. There are no non-Atlanteans. Everyone is Atlantean. This is statistically impossible but spiritually very convenient.
- A Reason To Buy Things: The most important legacy of Atlantis is that it provides a backstory for every crystal, every workshop, and every retreat on this website. Without Atlantis, we would have to say "these crystals are from a mine in Brazil." With Atlantis, we can say "these crystals contain the ancient wisdom of a lost civilization." The markup is approximately 400%. Atlantis is the most profitable myth in human history. We are grateful for it daily.
Other Lost Civilizations We Are Also Sure About
Atlantis is not the only lost civilization. There are others. There is Lemuria, which was like Atlantis but more hippie. There is Mu, which was like Atlantis but with a worse name. There is Thule, which was like Atlantis but more Nordic. There is Avalon, which was like Atlantis but with more fog. All of these civilizations were advanced, peaceful, and destroyed by their own hubris. All of them left behind crystals. All of them are available for purchase on our website. We are the only website authorized to sell Lemurian crystals. We authorized ourselves. The authorization is framed and hangs in Gary's shed.
The Final Word
Atlantis may or may not have existed. The evidence suggests it did not. The channelers suggest it did. The crystals suggest nothing, because crystals are rocks and rocks do not suggest. But the story of Atlantis is powerful. It is the story of a perfect world that was lost. It is the story of a time when everything was better. It is the story of a civilization that had everything and threw it all away. It is, in other words, a story about us, which is why we cannot stop telling it, and also why we cannot stop selling the merchandise associated with it.
The Crystal People are gone. The crystals remain. The crystals are 25 each. The memory of Atlantis is free. The certificate of Atlantean Reincarnation is 60. We print it on nice paper. It has a border. The border has stars on it. The stars are gold. The paper is from a shop in Birmingham. The stars are from a clip art CD-ROM from 1996. The certificate is real. The reincarnation is not. But the certificate is real, and at the end of the day, what else do you have?